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Tag Archives: Miscarriage

Simple Question, Not Simple Answer

The other day Maddy and I were going through our normal routine getting ready for school.  She mentioned something about me being a little boy and I remembered having a picture on my facebook account so I pulled it up to show her.

Maddy being Maddy decided she wanted to look at the other pictures and ran across this old sonogram picture.  She looked up at me and asked such a simple question, but I didn’t have a simple answer for her.

“Who’s that baby, daddy? Who is that?”

At first, I thought it was one of hers I had used as my profile picture.  Then I noticed the date – 3/18/09.  This was one of the babies Liz miscarried. 

Her little eyes kept looking at the picture and looking at me, wanting to know.  I couldn’t answer her.  All I could say was it was some other baby.  I wanted to tell her.  I wanted to tell her everything.  I couldn’t fight back the tears either.

Liz and I have talked about having the conversation with the girls about the babies we’ve lost – mainly if we’d tell them.  There wasn’t much discussion there.  We’re pretty open about it so we want them to know.  Just today as I was giving Liz her heparin shot she asked, should we have been doing this in front of the girls?  I just looked at her and asked – would we have done it any other way?  They know momma needs the shot for the baby and both know she needed them when they were in her tummy too. I’m sure it’s a bit too much for a 3 year old and a 2 year old to comprehend as would a conversation about a baby we don’t have at home with us, but it’s us I guess you could say.  One day we’ll tell them about the other babies.

I’m sure some people think that is strange.  I’m sure some may think it even strange to still have that strong of an attachment – I’m not sure I realized it until she asked that morning.  For me anyway, those loses will always be a part of us.  Sure, we’ve moved on, but as odd as it may sound our girls and baby on the way are a reminder of them.  Had it not been for those losses, they wouldn’t be here.

Hopefully, the next time she happens to run across a random sonogram picture I’ll be prepared with an answer.  Or maybe I won’t.  Maybe we’ll just sit and cry together.

 

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“Am I Enough?”

Awesome post. Not much that I can add – I think it’s all there!  I can’t speak for my wife, but I’m sure there were/are many days she has thought this way.

Barren to Beautiful

This week my husband walks in the door after a long day at work to find: dishes piled in the sink, laundry all over the living room, the beef for dinner still in a frozen block, and me…looking like Frump Queen. He is gracious. And tells me to take a nap. I instantly obey. (Inwardly rejoicing.) And while I am sleeping for 45 minutes, he manages to clean the whole house…while watching our daughter. (A feat I clearly was incapable of accomplishing today. Many days.)

One part of my feels grateful the house is clean. I can relax now, right? But the other (bigger) part of me feels guilty and defeated. He just worked the whole day at his job, and then came home and did mine, too. Isn’t this why I am staying home? 

Every day I have this desire to accomplish something. But every day it feels I accomplish nothing. I…

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Gender Wars?

gender-symbols1Over the last couple of weeks I’ve read a couple of articles related to the roles of dads…I’ve debated on whether to give them any credit here. I guess you’ll have to continue reading to find out if I do or not.

Essentially the role of the “new dad” – the one that takes an active role in the raising of his children, changes diapers, makes bottles, gets up in the middle of the night, or takes paternity leave – is brought under fire.  Points were made that by moving into these roles, dads were “moving out of the board room” or “neglecting financial responsibilities”. It seems to me there is a bit of a double standard going on here – if there’s a better word, help me out.  I’m looking for thoughts here.  I’ll certainly give mine.

I’ve been thinking about these articles all day, as it directly calls into question how I see myself as a dad. Not only that, I think it calls into question how we in turn raise our children.

Immediately when I knew I was having girls, I knew there would be things I would teach them. I would teach them how to throw a football, how to change a tire, how to check the oil in her car – I think you get the point.  I knew there would be things I would teach my girls that typically guys know how to do.

This is seen as typically acceptable though.

However, it doesn’t seem acceptable the other way around.  We don’t hear of teaching boys how to cook, or wash clothes, or iron clothes.

Or take care of children.

But if I’d had a boy, this is exactly what I would have done.  I would have taught him how to throw an awesome spiral with a football, but I’d also teach him how to wash his own clothes.  I’d teach him how to be a man in more ways than just baiting a hook or changing a flat tire.  I think our boys need to be taught how to be men by how to take care of others.

I get it I guess. These things aren’t “manly”. But why aren’t they?  Why is our society so focused on the fact that being a man only means this or that – it certainly never means being a dad that knows how to change a diaper, fix a little girls hair, or get her dressed for her dance recital?

Why aren’t they just as accepted? Why are dads looked down on that take time off from work when a child is born? Why are dad’s forced into the role of the seemingly disinterested, distant “baby-sister” or just the guy who is around somewhere, who really doesn’t know anything?  Dads are looked down on for taking an active role in the lives of their children – and that’s discouraging to me.

As I’ve read other dad bloggers say…we’ve still got a lot of work to do…

 

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