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Life After Miscarriage

05 Aug

People look at me odd sometimes when I say that my two daughters are actually our sixth and seventh child.  They look at me funny because they do not see 7 little children running around our house or do not see a 15-passenger van parked in the driveway.

If you’ve read much of my blog here, you know that my wife and I have experienced 4 miscarriages, losing 5 children.  Okay, so I know, I didn’t have the miscarriages – my wife is the one that had to physically go through this.  I did what I could to be there, ease her pain and walk her through the days, weeks and months that would come.

Because of my faith, and well, actually other reasons, I believe that each miscarriage my wife had – no matter how early – we lost a child – that we now have 5 children waiting for us in heaven.  Our human minds think of the children we have lost up there being taken care of by our grandparents.  I suppose it helps with the loss in our minds.

So what did we do after the miscarriages – how did life go on afterwards?  Well, in one regard, that was just it – life goes on.  Now, I don’t mean that you shouldn’t take time to grieve, to be angry, or to even hide in your house.  You should.  You need time to deal with the loss you have experienced.  And honestly, you have to decide what that is gonna look like.

Husbands – your job is to just be there for your wife.  You aren’t going to know how to fix the hurt she is feeling.  Your job is to just be there for her.  She is going to be hurting emotionally and probably physically.  Take care of her.  Get through it together.  You will be experiencing your own hurt as well.  It will be hard to understand, hard to process even.  It is a battle of emotions of trying to keep it together yourself and keeping things together for your wife.  Sometimes you just have to be broken together to get through it.

Some people say that they name the babies they’ve lost.  We never did that, just because that wasn’t us and we weren’t that far along in the pregnancies either.  Not saying it’s a bad thing, it is just something we never did.  Some will have more permanent reminders as well – a stocking at Christmas, their names painted somewhere, reminders on what should have been their birthdays, or even tattoos.

I guess we were bad in this regard as I don’t remember when each birthday should have been.  I guess my point in all of this is you have to work through it however is best for you, but never forget that child that you lost.  My wife and I think about our children all the time – what they would have looked like, what their personalities would have been, what they would have grown up to be.  We talk particularly about our twins we lost – maybe more so because we made it farther along in the pregnancy too.  We heard heartbeats for the first time with that pregnancy, so maybe that made it more real.  I think they will be forever a part of our lives.

Don’t forget.  What you went through was real.  Talk about them.  Love them.  Cling to your spouse and family and work your way through it how you see best because only you know to do it and know what is best!

 

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2 responses to “Life After Miscarriage

  1. Cara Guillaume

    August 21, 2012 at 4:21 am

    To this day I still feel sadness when I think of our 2009 miscarriage. It helps a lot to have my husband there for me, to hear me vent about it 3 years later and to hear him be honest and tell me his feelings about it too. We are certainly moving forward and much more focused on our precious 2 girls but we will never forget our first child!

     
    • Brian

      May 14, 2014 at 9:03 pm

      Cara – I hope this notifies you that I’ve commented. I’m so sorry that I did not reply to your comment! As you can see, I haven’t done the greatest job keeping the blog up. I appreciate your reading and taking the time to comment. My wife and I talk about all of our kids – the ones that stand out are the twins. My wife was pregnant once with twins – we talk about those the most, and seem to miss them the most, if that’s possible. I think it’s because we made it farther along with them than we did the other pregnancies. So many things will remind us of that time – it is something that truly never leaves you! Thanks again for reading!

       

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