My wife and baby hit the 30 week mark today! We are so thankful for each new day that God gives us and can’t wait until baby Maddy is here. The past 30 weeks have been filled with lots of plans for the baby’s room – what diapers we’ll use, what bottles are best, and what will she look like? It is hard to think that in only about 9 weeks our little girl will be here. But these are just numbers, they don’t tell the whole story.
Those numbers don’t encompass the 6 years of trying, the heartache that came before this point – they don’t tell how many doctors appointments we have been to, have many vials of blood my wife has had drawn, or how many painful procedures she has been through, not to mention the money that has been spent on medicine and treatments. Numbers don’t tell the story of the hope we have for this child, while still remembering the 5 that we have lost. The numbers don’t erase that.
I’ve found that in infertility, like many things in life, we like to categorize things, put them in boxes and make them black and white. Infertility is a difficult one to compartmentalize though. There are too many emotions that come along with it. Your story is unique and like no one else – you find solace with those with a similar story, but constantly feel that “no one really understands because their story is not exactly like mine”. To a point, this is true. Each case is different; everyone’s struggle with infertility takes them down a different road – but it doesn’t make everything go away once a pregnancy is going well or a child is born.
I find myself at times feeling almost guilty for the point that Liz and I are at now. Guilt doesn’t quite explain it. I feel blessed to be at the point that Liz and I are at now. I feel a sadness for those couples that are still struggling to get to this point. I do not take for granted one day that we have been given in this pregnancy. I am overjoyed at the thought of holding our little girl, but I have never forgotten what it took to get us to this point.
I have a pretty constant smile on my face, but that smile hides the scars and heartache of a long road to get here – It covers the thoughts and the wonderings of what each of the three single pregnancies would have been like – would they have been boys or girls? Who would they have been? It covers the loss of our twins – and the thoughts of having two bundles of joy at once and the realization that we could have a 2 year old celebrating Christmas this year.
Those thoughts never go away – they just get buried deeper. The numbers, weeks, and days are a constant reminder of these things – of where we are headed and where we’ve been.
10 weeks…70 days…1 little girl.